Its Jenn

13/1/2012

2012-01-13T00:08:00.000-08:00

Back to blogging because I just realized how much I’ve lost track of my own life. Today’s such a blissful day, spent the whole day entertaining my headache, cleared some stuffs away, cleaned the room, decorated it a bit, and had some crappy foods, skipped lunch, replaying the same song, half revising half dreaming, counting time plus enjoyed a few quick naps. Life can be as simple as that, nothing too complicated. Next week is going to be the last week of this semester, 2 more papers to go and I’ll be packing back home. Next semester, it’s going to be really hectic but I’m anticipating the fun, it’d be great to feel alive again.

2011-04-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

What more can I ask for? I have everything that I need in life, blessed with great people loving me, being granted loads of wishes and on top of everything; I have a dear heavenly father who’s always there when I feel lost. I want to stand with arms high and heart abandoned, praising Him for everything. He taught me to be strong and rejoice through storms and seasons, affirming me that His grace is always sufficient for me. The world told me that I need to excel in everything that I do, be it studies, accomplishments and even in relationships but God let me understand otherwise, telling me that Jenn, it’s ok to be imperfect, you’re my dear daughter and what human sees as great in their opinions are dust in my eyes, you’re wonderful and I did not breathe life to you merely asking you to be perfect, that’s human’s foolish standard. Instead, you’re made after my image, blessed with wisdom and love so that you can learn to love others, bring others to know me and live a life that I’ve planned for you, long before you were born. I watch you grow, I see your tears, I know the setbacks, I understand the decisions that you make and still, I chose not to interrupt because I want to give you the freedom to choose, to learn from what is good and bad. It’s ok to fall down because the moments when you regain your faith and stood up, you’ve learnt your lessons. I love you so much that my heart aches when you hurt yourself doing what is wrong but believe, I’ll always open up my arms embracing you whenever you turn around and ask me for shelter. A father will never leave His children and neither will I forsake you. God’s wisdom reigns above all and His love transcends through all. If there’s someone who ask me who do I believe in, I’d say it’s Jesus Christ who not only touches my heart through His word, but also someone who reaches out to the bottom of my soul, always knowing what I want and grant me that peace that no one can ever afford to offer me. Good Friday, it’s a day where we come to witness how great is His love for you and me.

2011-04-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

Went to Fong Lye Taiwan Restaurant (The Gardens, right in front of Sushi Zanmai) for the first time today, food was pretty awesome and I had fun spending time with both Ten and Cherry. We shared a lot of our opinions, ate like nobody’s business and laughed all the while and honestly, it was such bliss to be able to have lunch with them, it’s been a while since I last spent time hanging around with my course mate apart of the trip to Pasar Malam couple of weeks ago. We spent our time catching up with the latest updates and sort of celebrated our last lecture for the semester. Time flies but certain things remain. Ten, I know you’ll come across this post soon or later, just want to tell you that hey, we’re here for you whenever you need us and please la wei, dig up ways to unleash your potentials and be nicer to your girlfriend okay. By the way, thanks for the treat J I’m going to Genting tomorrow, yay! =D

The mango yogurt rocks and the set plates are awesome :)

Us xD

2011-04-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

Ivan's updating his blog, Ten's playing game, Iris's doing don't know what and weehee, I'm keying stuffs to update my dead blog and you know what's the coolest thing? We're doin this in the class, with Dr Toshiko's voices rhyming in the air :) The class just now was really boring, I hated myself for waking up early, I honestly shouldn't have done that. Just got the handout for phonetics class by the way, and I should be ashamed of myself cuz its already the last class for the semester and I'm slacking off like nobody's business. What exactly is Elision? Anyway, back to the topic...wait. what topic? LOLS

Allow me to break down my opinions on the course that I'm doing this semester, Critical Thinking reminds me of Ethics Class, Critical Reading is pretty similar to Grammar Class, Historical Linguistic is more or less like History of English, APK & TITAS are equal to Hubungan Etnik, while Speech Processing and Phonetics sounds like Intro to Linguistics. Basically, works and assignments piled up on our desk like crazy for the past few months and if you ask me, it sure is getting tougher. Of course, I do learn loads but I find that it doesn't sound as exciting as I thought it should be. The system here just don't work for me, I don't want to be just overwhelmed with loads of assignments with no creativity and freedom in expressing my view, but too bad local University are all dead stagnant sites sticking to its boring ways of passing knowledge. I'm still praying that things will be better next semester though, crossing my fingers.

You know what I'm going to do after this class? Ditch TITAS and head off to library to finish my Fact File cuz I know that I won't have the mood to do it tonight, probably will be heading to bed early again, or maybe yamcha with roommates. I'm looking forward for the weekend though, Genting, Domino and yea, I'm thinking of doing something with my hair. Probably cut it shorter or just curl it up :) Off to FB, adios!

Praat Sucks :/

2011-04-12T02:24:00.001-07:00

The result for the Praat assignments that I’ve been worried about has finally come out and seriously speaking, it was nerve cracking the moment I keyed in my username and password to log into Spectrum. Damn it, to think that I had to go through loads of references for the assignment and still getting unsatisfactory slightly pass grade kills me, barbarically. Now I wonder, who should I blame for this? Me, myself for doing the last minute touchups, thinking that I need to first collect whole loads of references to read up or the fact that I didn’t update my work with the lecturer from time to time? The second class test was a horrid as well, now I’m seriously far from getting a secured A+ for the course and you know why I care so much? Simply because I have no confidence in this subject! Somebody please just give me a knock on my head and remind me to study really hard during study week please!!!! :s I want an “A”, so badly…. L

2011-04-08T12:25:00.001-07:00

Father Lord, thanks for all the friends that you have blessed me with and because of the love that comes from them, I do feel that I’m special and loved. Whenever life seems hard, I try to recall all the beautiful things that you’ve granted in my life and I’ve always trusted that your grace is sufficient for me. I’m dedicating this to someone that means a lot to me and has pulled me through my dilemmas….Thanks for being there for me when I needed someone to talk to, thanks for accepting me for who I am and if you’re reading this, you know how much I care ^.<

:/

2011-04-05T04:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, its 7.33 pm and I’m hungry but I decided that I want to rant a bit here before I get pissed and busy dating my assignments. It’s already week 13 and I’m still rushing assignments, preparing presentations and haven’t revised for tests and seriously, when is this ever going to end? This whole semester is so packed and if compared to last year, it’s just too overwhelming. I guess the bright side is, I’m done with 2 presentations and a test for this week and I’m totally off with Critical Thinking and Speech Processing class. I should be doing my essays and prepare for tomorrow’s two presentations plus Dr Toshiko’s Phonology class but guess what, I’m slacking off again. I’m tired of discipline or whatever crap and the weather these days are rubbing my moods away from my sensibility! Prom night is going to be this Friday and frankly, I’m not anticipating it. I’m more into the mood of going out to eat on Thursday. As I was lying on my bed this morning, I stared at my ceiling wondering where God is. I’ve always knew that He watches over me and routinely, I did my prayers but deep down, I know that I’m far away from Him. I was too busy admitting that I need to seriously consider slowing my paces and pray earnestly. I’ve been avoiding Him, as how I’ve avoided people that I care. I thought I should just move on, because life eventually leads you to new things, new people and new perceptions. I guess I just misses God a lot, it’s like there is this empty hole inside that cannot be filled by anything, or anyone. I have no intention of getting too emotional but I subconsciously been doing it a lot and there is this shadow that I don’t know belongs to whom that I cared, so much that it hurts.

Sanguine Me =D

2011-03-21T01:15:00.000-07:00

The worst part of living your life as a walking zombie is that you don’t know what to do next, feeling bored of the repetitive routines, being indifferent towards changes around you, easily annoyed by those petty details that everyone’s talking about, easily affected by other’s emotional feelings and feeling sleepy all the time. Trust me, it’s not about my PMS or another chessy love story that ended up in despair.

Seriously, it feels like I can no longer experience anything interesting and none of these manage to ignite any sparks of interest in me towards anything around, like nothing I’m telling you! When was the last time I get excited over something new? When was the last time I raced with time excitingly to finish up a project? When was the last time I feel so overwhelmed for being able to achieve my goals? When was the last time I actually cried for something insignificant? When was the last time I argued with someone because of clashes in opinions? When was the last time when I’m grateful for being able to finish multi tasks in a short period of time and ended up in coma just to pay up my slept debt? And when was the time when I keep telling myself that “Jenn, the Lord wants you to live a victorious life so don’t give up..”?

I can’t imagine myself living my life this way, it wasn’t something that I had in mind before deciding to settle myself in this place. So far, I can’t seem to recall anything that I’ve done cool. I prayed a short prayer before going to bed yesterday night, asking God if he could make my life more interesting. I waited and I got bored, I was just too tired of thinking about how I’ll get upset if I don’t get what I want and the fact that I’m too far from him. I have to admit that I become more defensive and reserved here, unlike the old me who is willing to give shots to every opportunity available. I’m too proud to say that I don’t care, I’m too ignorant to admit that I have this unresolved problems and I’m too bored to be bothered about anything….except complaining.

And you know the next thing I did when I woke up in the morning? I typed in the word “Sanguine’ in my search engine and did some research the minute I remember someone was saying that I’m a Sanguine…which I thought it has something to do with penguin at first. Goodness I tell you, it totally matches my rhymes. And yes, I hereby officially announce to the world that I’m a proud Sanguine….who has a lot of catchy habitual weakness to look after and be reminded. I was kind of taken back and felt discouraged after skimming through the results. Well, all these while, I’ve been telling myself not to be over-dominating, bossy, controlling, always wanting to get hold of the whole thing and being dictatorial because you see, when you’re the eldest of the five in the family, you’ll naturally get the idea of wanting to put all the scattered pieces together and exert some authoritative forces to bind things in a way.

With all the pressures I had to bear from family’s expectations, people’s standards, and all those crap, I was trained to be someone who’s well adjusted to the flexible changes around, fearing nothing except for letting people down and I know, it’s sad and pathetic. Yet, the bright side of such circumstances were the fact that I was living my life the fullest, finding myself waking up in the morning, staring at the ceiling and telling myself that today’s going to be a big run for me and I have loads to do and of course, I was always in the mode of discovering my own potentials and trying to fix my weaknesses. That’s how extreme I can be when I get motivated. Here’s the reality, I don’t freaking feel like that anymore. When the hell am I going to get things fix and find back myself. For those who still doesn’t know what on earth is a Sanguine, check this out.

“Sanguine personality is affected by chemical called dopamine, which makes these people intensely curious and creative. Their curiosity can be expressed in their love for reading and different kinds of knowledge. They possess high amounts of energy, so they may seem restless and spontaneous. They are willing to take risks for the sake of pursuit of their numerous interests. These people feel bored if they are not absorbed by something intriguing. They crave for adventure and novelty. People with sanguine personality adapt easily and generally can play many roles. They are buoyant, lively and optimistic. They prefer to live in big cities where they can satisfy their craving for variety much easier. Sanguine people are very poor at tolerating boredom. Routine jobs, repetitive experiences, boring companions annoy and irritate them. They avoid routine and monotony at all costs. In fact they love interruptions, because they get energized during these small changes in course. These people are impulsive. They often can't control their cravings and may ~~struggle with weight.~~ More than any other type this temperament is more ~~susceptible to smoking, alcohol, drugs, gambling and risky sex~~. Their spontaneity reflects in last-minute plans and moments of intellectual discovery. Sanguine people are usually more creative than other type, be it poetry, music, theater, art, business or cooking. Sadly, they are also ~~most susceptible to chemical imbalances, addictions and mood disorders~~. This personality type is characterized by curiosity and wide range of interests. These people are hungry for knowledge. Some of them are~~walking encyclopedias~~, while some others ~~visit almost every known country~~ in the world. Many~~stay in school for long~~ in order to learn and have several degrees. Dopamine activity promotesmotivation and goal-oriented behavior, as well as enthusiasm, focus, assertiveness, incentive and drive to achieve. However, often sanguine people are so busy with their numerous interests that they will procrastinate completing their tasks: they are just too busy to think about deadlines. These people are very autonomous and unconventional. They trust their impulses and take risks. Their motto is: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained". They launch into projects that seem sure to fail and often win big.People with sanguine personality are extreme optimists. They make it their job to seek joy and find a way to be happy. They are sensation seekers that derive pleasure from highly arousing experiences. They "drink life".”

So you see, that pretty much describes me, except that I haven’t actually show the other side of me, which is the Choleric, High D side and normally, you don’t really want to get there because I can be really cruel and harsh. I got this whole information fromhttp://www.askwomennet.com/sanguine-personality.html by the way and in case you’re with me and you’re a Sanguine as well, I will totally suggest you to read another more detailed description of sanguine traits from http://www.a-z-dictionaries.com/blog/sanguine/. Seriously, just cut off the crap of debating whether personality traits are nurture or nature because trust me, when you’ve reached this age and still not so sure of your own personality traits, that rings a warning bell that you should get a new flashy mirror and start reflecting on yourself because it’s more interesting to discover your own personality mannerism instead of getting the idea of what kind of person you are from people screaming at you, lol. For your information, those highlighted italic bolded words are the traits that I once had, qualities that I took pride in but sadly, lost it by now. Those are not in italics? Well, I still have those so screw it. Damn, 2 hours in the library and I’m supposed to rush my assignments instead of…listening to music. I blame the following videos for their awesome-ness. I am truly in love with these.

- Hey Monday- Candles -

- Christina Perri- Jar of Hearts -

- Christina Aguilera- You lost Me -

- Bruno Mars- Talking to the Moon -

2011-03-18T00:57:00.000-07:00

I’m leaving to Bukit Tinggi in less than 2 hours; I’m pretty excited to go, because I needed an escape from all the stresses, so badly that I can’t think of anything else to do. I skipped History of Linguistics class yesterday just to meet up with my dear ex-supervisor who has been emotionally distorted from life’s vicissitudes for the past months. So we accompanied him to shop and he bought quite loads, went to Sushi Zanmai to eat and ended up chit-chat plus enjoying our Baskin Robins at The Gardens. It kind of brought back all the memories we had back then, spending hours of time loitering, talking and sharing about just everything that has to do with life. What makes it different now is the fact we have all moved on, heading different directions, anticipating future possibilities and this time, being emo together. I don’t feel like crapping too much here but here are some photos:

- Saturday Service @ FCC -

-Sushi Zanmai 17/3/11-

- G.A.P -

- Baskin Robins -

XOXO

Panic! At the Disco

2011-03-16T18:54:00.001-07:00

Panic at the disco is back! I’m not so much of their fan but their songs are pretty catchy, full of sarcasm and appear to be tracks that you would love to listen when your mind is all scrambled with emo-ness and needed an escape to the “never land”. They actually reminded me of the “Good Charlotte” which I have no freaking idea where they are now but I guess what makes them different is that fact that they inserted Baroque style in their videos. Gotta tell you that it’s awesome!! Brendon, the vocalist has got this random madness that can make you feel like the world is nothing much but an upside down joke. They kind of revealed quite some of the ugly truths in relationship that people tend to ignore and neglect, so I can’t help but to dig in the sarcasm behind the rhyme. They are so dramatic and still, Brendon is hotter than Robert Pattinson, lols.

- I write sins and not tragedies -

- Nine in the Afternoon –

- The Green Gentlemen –

- The Ballad of Mona Lisa –

Library

2011-03-10T20:14:00.001-08:00

Library is always the best place to contemplate on your emo-ness. It’s the perfect spot to switch on your laptop, plug in your earphones, open up a random assignment related page and let your mind freely wander off to who knows where. It’s a comfy environment where people just don’t give a damn on what you’re doing because they probably are doing exactly the same thing. Speaking of environment, let’s not forget the fact that only in the library, you won’t feel like you’re in Malaysia. Why? The answer is very simple; it is not as bloody hot as it is outside. I’ve always love the feeling of being in a library because there is this calm feeling of being able to read as much I want without being distracted by any living beings. I even dreamt of becoming a librarian and getting married in the library when I was young, and trust me I still have those dreams……

kənfjuzd

2011-02-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

aj het wekɪŋ əp ɪn ðə mɪdəl əv ðə najt filɪŋ ɪmoʃənəl ænd rɛstləs, ɪt med mi fil tɛrəbəl. spɛnt ðə hol de slipɪŋ ænd naw aj mwide əwek, dəbetɪŋ wɪθ mɑjsɛlf wɛðər ɔr nɑt aj ʃʊd rəʃ əp maj fənɛtɪks əsajnmənts. aj fil hopləs. aj lɒst ɪntrəst ɪn præktəkli ɛvriθɪŋ ænd naw aj æm dɛsprət tu fajnd wez tu fɪl əp ðə holz. aj wɑnt tu kraj bət tɛrz dʒəst du nɑt kəm awt. waj??

2011-02-12T23:46:00.001-08:00

好奇心真的会害死人啦，讨厌 !

2011-02-06T18:29:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning remembering that I need to rush up Praat’s assignment but what kills me is when I found out that I received a text message informing that there will be a drum practice tonight, you can imagine how my mood went down immediately. Like every other Monday, I debated with myself whether to skip class or not. I know I shouldn’t do that but I can’t help it, it’s been a habit since young. I of course did some coursework last week but trust me, it’s not much and yea, I have phonetics test this week, I can’t afford to not read and suffer the risk. I’m so not screwing this class but as for TITAS and APK, I don’t care. So basically, Chinese New Year break is officially over and I moved back to hostel from Aunt’s place yesterday. Loads of thing happened but I’m grateful that I managed to pull it through. I went to Times Square, it sounds crazy but I keep having this urge to take a break and go shopping even before the break and so, I did it. Honestly, I’m amazed of myself. I can’t believe I found the way all by myself and not getting lost! This little trip allowed me to think a lot and as I walked past people and stuffs, I began wondering where do I stand and who am I going to be in the future. It was a quiet and emotional trip, and it certainly brought me back to the memories. I ended up buying a pair of jean, cardigan, hair accessory and foods. I’m pretty happy walking alone, much more freedom. Now, I’m sitting in front of the computer, counting the minutes to class later. Monday’s class is not that stressing but I’m worried about Wednesday’s. I have to keep telling myself that it’s going to be ok. Seriously, I kind of feel troubled after being lectured by aunt for a week. Lols

I really really want to update this blog but I have no time and everything that is lingering in my mind is mostly equivalent to craps.

2011-01-24T15:55:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with loads of worries, took my shower and start listing stuffs that I should be doing, I’m thankful that I survived yesterday so I keep telling myself that today will be a great day as well, maybe at least a normal day if not. I’m still stucked with my presentation preparation, never thought that it’d be so hard for me to prepare materials translated in malay, not that I’m foreign to the language itself. Oh yea, and I have two meetings tonight, thanks to Pesta AngPao because initially, NVC meeting is suppose to be scheduled on Wednesday and because of that, I’ve already have my own plan on Tuesday. Screw them.

To do list for today:

- Speech Processing Assignments

- Critical Writing’s homeworks

- Phonetics transcription

- Call Auntie Wai Ping

- Print out NVC info

- Intro to Linguistics’ Tutorial

:)

2011-01-23T07:45:00.001-08:00

It’s been a long tiring week and thank goodness, life is back on track. I can’t exactly recall what actually happened but I’m grateful that despite of the cold and warms in life, I still feel the peace with me; it comforts me more than anything else. I guess that compare to last semester, I laughed a lot lately. After the conflict explosion that took place weeks ago, drumming practices doesn’t sound that torturing anymore. I miss daddy and everyone at home but I pretended that I don’t feel so every time they call, I just want to pray that they’ll always be fine. Come to think of my heavy schedule and boring life, I do feel glad that I’m not getting involved in any relationship commitment, though it’s kind of lonely when you’re done with works and all you can hear is the sound of your heart wanting someone to lean on. Next week is so going to be overwhelming, noting the fact that there are rehearsals, presentation, assignments and missions to accomplish. Lord, please hold my hand and guide me through the storms. In you alone I put my trust.

2011-01-09T08:42:00.001-08:00

After all these while, I still believe that being close to someone equals to letting your guard down, and sometimes I doubt that I can hold it any longer inside. I feel like I’m in a mess and I don’t know what to do, I can just pretend like nothing happen like how I used to do but I want to get over it. Goodness, why does it have to start over again? It’s still going to be the same and I’ll be sticking to my decision as usual. I want a new kind of changes, something new and adventures and please God, do enlighten me :(

28/10/10

2010-10-28T05:36:00.000-07:00

I had never thought that the last class of my first semester here in the University will end in such an abrupt manner. I must say it was altogether tiring and depressing, especially after the Ethics, Semantics and Grammar class I had. I guess I will never forget Ms Moon’s favorite quote “A choice is something you make and you’re accountable of taking up the responsibilities, without furthermore self-justification”. It was a tough class that left everyone in despair, as what we did doesn’t sound right and everything that is done are not necessary important. I don’t know, I don’t know, and again, I don’t know. I just want to pray for wisdom and strength, there is just too much of unnecessary thoughts lingering in my mind. First it was about the course that I got in, despite the fact that many had congratulated me for getting in, I still feel like I don’t deserve it or, in other way around, find no privileged in getting in as it sounded so easy. I can imagine some people wanting to beat me up for saying this but I’m really caught in this paradoxically state of wondering whether I’m in the right place. Lord, please show me your way and let me know that you place me here for a reason, because I really need that reason to stay alive. Looking at the bright side of this situation, I do met loads of amazing people here, those who enrolled in for different reasons and purposes. I find most of them fascinating but unfortunately, not so interested to get to know them. I have to admit the fact that I still can’t pull myself out of the miseries; can someone just point me out the problems with me? My gudness, emo again -.-

Stiffening myself to withstand life's vicissitudes

2010-10-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

明知结果或许不如所愿，有时真的觉得很失望，还是想试一试。

虽然渐渐明白自己为什么会感到无奈，觉得失望，但是总觉得，还是算了吧。

既然最终知道问题所在，是时候慢慢开始接受现实。。。

第一次，真的觉得想回家，重拾那属于我的回忆。难道真的像他说的那样，问题是在于我自己？有着太多不实际的期待，保留那隔着一道墙之防备的心，然后慢慢开始厌倦了一切。。

不管，不管啦，我还有功课要忙。。。

2010-10-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

Time is like the wind; it lifts the light and leaves the heavy. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

There are so much to miss, so many reasons to give thanks and so relieved to know that I made it this far. Anyone can live a life; it’s the day to day living that wears us out. I’m here for a reason, and I want to know why…….

SCARS OF LIFE

2010-10-05T18:31:00.001-07:00

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore. His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loud as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs...That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved. The newspaper reporter, who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs... And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.' You and I can identify with that little boy.

We have scars, too. No, it’s not from an alligator, but the scars of painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of our struggles, He's been there holding on to us... The Scripture teaches that God loves us. He wants to protect and provide for us every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That’s when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through... Never judge another person’s scars, because you don't know how they got them....

As for dealing with my own scars, I choose to give thanks.

-.-

2010-09-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Dear bloggie,

I think my ego is hindering me from my humility and has pushed me to the edge where I can’t stand being commented, wanting so bad to win everyone else to show that I’m tired of the shows that they’re putting on. I feel so guilty and yet, I can’t wave away that feeling. I thought ignorance would be bliss and if I choose to ignore it, I could save myself from falling down. What exactly went wrong and what do I want? Sometimes it’s easier to switch to the emotional mode and hide away from the crowds, not because I was intimidated, but because I don’t feel like pouring my inside out anymore, I lost my security and trust on people. Instead of smiling, I chose to stay expressionless and act dumb. I knew I had to start from zero, but it’s a pain to be so clueless right from the beginning and I despised the fact that I had to rely on people for the tiny little things so I started to venture out, exploring and wandering alone. I figure out if I could get used to the surrounding better, things will be better. It’s not working either, except that I’m drawing further distance from those that I care. What was I thinking of? I know that there’s no such a thing about having best friend, a thought that had rooted on my mind since ages ago. Maybe I expect too much and got disappointed when the rapport isn’t working well with people that I care. I don’t want to fall out and arrive on the heartbreaking ending. I just want it to be simple and I can’t stop blaming myself when we’re not arriving on the right topic and ended up with awkward silence where deep down, we knew that we’re better off to somewhere else, rather than talking endless crap and end up with disagreement. It’s where you stop wanting to see someone and yet, you cared to much to ignore and so what you did was just standing a far, looking at them and wondering how great it was if you’re back to the time when you had loads of fun with them instead of staying in that bloody ground of speechless. I’m sorry I didn’t keep you by my side, its not that I stop caring about you, but I thought you’ll be happier without me and should just go on with your life. There’s so much more to explore than just sticking with me doing nothing. Just ignore da grammatical errors here, no mood -.-

Shoo away :P

2010-09-19T05:57:00.001-07:00

I don’t need you to tell me how much I need you and you can stop looking down on me, thinking that I’m only pretending to be strong with that ego mask on. At least for now, I’m starting to find my way out, I don’t you to direct my path, I don’t want you to mess with my life, I’m picking up my smiles, I’m getting my guts, I’m learning to be thankful and yes, I can do it my way. Life’s circumstances might be hard and unpredictable, but that’s exactly what makes it fun. I’ll show you what it means to lose, because I can do better than this. There are so many times when I let my mind wanders into possibilities that perhaps there’s a equal in between us, I was wrong, I don’t need it because I’m fine with what I have. I’m going to find my inspiration and I’m going to live life the fun way, not to show off to you or anyone, but because I can’t stand to live life in this way. There’s a time for everything, and now, it’s a time for a change.

Her life?

2010-09-14T07:37:00.001-07:00

Of all the stories that she has read, she knows how boring her life is. Sometimes the journey sails off with no direction, sometimes she wonders if she can create miracles and add more sparks to lighten her own world. As transparent as she is, she hides her little secret with her, not wanting anyone to break down the only self defense that she has. Young, wild and clueless of what’s ahead of her; she can only walk, or sometimes run on the path that flows through the current. Where’s her passion when she needed the most? Perhaps it was swallowed by the darkness of her nightmares and now, she’s left with nothing but reality. No more day-dreaming, no more fantasies or purpose driven life. The hardest thing that this little soul can bear is the extreme boredom with not even a breath of life. She used to care too much, only to find herself getting disappointed. Now she’s just immune to those tiny little details that used to catch a lot of her attention, after life’s cruelty has taken its toll on her. She complained, but sees no use on it. She’s scared, but chose to ignore it. No one understands her better that she does, perhaps only God knows why. Was it doubt and ignorance that is hindering her to live life the right way? Or she just needed time to finally officially look into the mirror and say, I’m fine and I’m ready. Whatever her past is, it’s only a brief history on how much she has achieved, or perhaps a reminder of all the infinite accomplishments that she could have gotten as knowledge and exposure invades her life. What’s next?

Another windblowz

2010-09-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels hard to reach the ground once your mind is wandered far from the pain, at least that’s how I thought. Life’s nothing more than just flipping pages of my story, no climax, and no nothing. I remember how I used to complain on stagnant progress in life, wanting to find sources of motivation that drives my passion into working mode and get real with life. I’m officially a walking zombie with no purpose. All that is left for this pathetic soul is exploration of what this journey will lead me to. People are not fascinating enough, routines are all the same, obligations and responsibilities never cease to follow, sometimes I tried hard to listen, but it’s too boring that I stop doing it. It’s called dramatic, yes, I know…

Here I am, having the room all by myself, recalling piles of unsettled assignments, wandering what others are doing, constructing futuristic vision, missing someone and typing this. This is what I call life. Its all back to that question again when you’re bored right? Where’s the right person for you when you need one? Some people coined the term as “boyfriend/girlfriend”. I called it my best friend, soul partner and hey, he doesn’t have to speak brilliant English to be with me. That’s because I don’t think I’m any good anyway. But seriously, I find no need for any. I just crapped cuz I’m bored.

><"

2010-08-05T05:50:00.001-07:00

The higher your expectation is, the most likely you’ll be disappointed easily. I thought life in University would be more challenging, flexible, cool and at the same time, inspiring but they were right, it doesn’t happen so if you’re a proud student of a local University. I just miss those time when you get to run a lot of exciting events and club that you like without having to be vehemently forced to get involved. I do not think that anything like democracy exist here, students just simply nod their heads agreeing on all the orders while those who opposes against it has got no other power than complaining but trust me, people don’t normally complain for no reasons, it so happen that such negative utterances occur when there’s this unsatisfied desire. I would love to stop complaining but I just can’t HELP it.

:)

2010-07-30T07:57:00.001-07:00

Here’s something more positive, a bit of updates as well:

We went through orientation the first week, it was actually ok but it sounded like hell because I’m so not in the mood. I met some friends as well, (Chi Seng, Jun You, Hong Yin, Am, Rina, YC) from cell 7, (Melissa & Samantha) who are taking the same course as me, (Ji Jian) the one who complains a lot with me.

Second week’s all about interaction with the college’s seniors, and the third week’s about getting signatures from the seniors of the Chinese Community. There were loads of complains but it doesn’t matter since we’re done with it now.

This week’s about preparing probs, banners and gifts for the seniors (Convocation). I’m not going into details so no worries, you wont have to go through lists of complains here, I seriously don’t want to get into the bitterness mode. We took loads of photos

I just hope that next week will be better.

Friends. Burgers. Girls. Fun

!!!

2010-07-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

Its 10:05pm and I’m just done with the JKP interviews, I have no freaking idea why am I even bothered to be there but it does sounds something interesting. I can’t help myself wondering what I can learn from it and if I were accepted, how much will I be crazy over commitments again, not much of anticipation though, whatever happen, happens. So, I did the silliest thing ever, for not knowing the fact that the person who interviewed me is actually the president himself, now I feel bad. Throughout the whole session that doesn’t last for 10 minutes, I was being rather frank. I informed him about the fact that I know nothing about ADIN and so, I won’t be surprised if I didn’t see my name on the list next week. Relieved perhaps? Anyway, the saddest part is when he asked me to speak in Malay. Darn, its suppose to be as simple as ABC but I found my tongue twisted and words just don’t come out and yea, as talkative as I used to be, I found myself murmuring words that I myself don’t freaking understand.

I have no idea what happened to me these days, I can’t speak malay properly, I’m stucked with words, I can’t seem to pronounce certain words (probably because of the phonetics classes), easily irritable, and I get bored easily. The most encouraging part is when I don’t feel like writing anymore. I’m being such a rebel, “disagree-ing” everything and going against the current. I hate going out, I’m too much into my dreamland, I missed my novels, I’m being over sensitive and the worst is the fact that I’m complaining all the time! Instead of being grateful to be where I am now, I can’t get rid of the thoughts of other options. I just don’t feel like moving on and this seriously doesn’t sound like me at all!! I’m giving myself too much of excuses to escape from realities, the fact that life’s itself is a mistake! Where’s the hyperactive Jenn who’s always anticipating life challenges? Great, I’m crapping a lot now.

blahss..

2010-07-10T09:07:00.003-07:00

The hardest thing about getting motivated is when you don’t know what really matters but is clear of what you should do; at least that’s how I felt for the mean time. I know I should be thankful for getting a place in UM but I’m seriously not so into it. The whole week of orientation has completely destroyed my impression about this University. The feeling of emptiness was substituted by worries as day pass by, I’m starting to force myself to map some goals to fight as to kill my time here. Getting into Dean’s list perhaps? I don’t know, I’m not putting my hopes that high.

During one of the session we had with Professor Moses, I asked him about the greatest motivation he sowed that moved him to higher desires of achievement. For someone who did his PHD/Doctoral whatever in Harvard, I was curious of the force that pushed him to achieve more and more without caring anything about status quo or age matters as such. I love how he answered it, it’s the joy you don’t simply study to get perfect score, and you’re doing it because you love it. Jenn, you’ve always wanted to do English isn’t it? What is that bothers you? Fear of failure something that you’ve always been good at? I made up my mind, I’m not good enough so I’m planting the curiosity to learn to level up and I’m doing this because I LOVE it, it doesn’t really matter if I failed my own expectation.

I keep convincing myself that I should be thankful, grateful for this blessing. I don’t think I worth any of this but guess God’s love is just too great that He doesn’t care whether I’m good enough or not. I told myself that this is the life that I’ve always wanted, to be able to start a new life in a new life with blank new pages. I don’t really have that homesick feelings but tears fell down when Karren was talking to me. I miss that kid; she’s always been around me since she’s a baby.

There are loads of peeps who have been asking me how things are going so I’m going to summarize the whole thing here, just to skip the repetition. As soon as we arrived, the PM (Pembantu Mahasiswa) processed our basic documents, send us off to our respective rooms and thank God, my roommates are both Chinese which is a great sense of relief. Aunt PK accompanied until around 2pm, I’m so glad that she’s around. Visiting the Faculty of Languages and Linguistics is the coolest part of the whole week; we actually met exchange students from Russia, Egypt, China, Korea, Iran and etc. The student who was chosen to complete this course for Sem One 2010/2011 is only consists of 18 students and so you can imagine how small our lecture hall is.

I got into the seventh college (Za’ba) and was placed in cell 7. I get to know Hong Yin, Jun You and Chi Seng. They are very nice and cool. Food was terrible, time management sucks but everything got better so never mind then. Came home from FCC just now, the only place that sounds familiar to me. Thank God. By the way, I met two newly found gals, Samatha and Melissa. Luv them, More updates soon, bored and tired. Nitez

2010-06-18T06:29:00.001-07:00

The rumbling feeling inside of me is killing me and I can strongly feel how my fingers were shaking, it’s the mixture of distress, excitement, nervousness, and anticipation. I’ve been convincing myself that everything will be fine and I’ll get through the storms. I’ve ran this far to anticipate His planning in my life. Like everyone else, I drafted a lot of possibilities and how I may tackle it when it approaches me.

I came home around 12 yesterday; the only thing that’s in my mind is the future ahead. I hate being stagnant, despise being incorrigible, it makes me feel so weak and hopeless. Things were not that good this year but I learnt a lot. I want to be always thankful in every circumstance but sometimes, it’s just the pain inside that I can feel.

I spent hours wondering in the bus. Loads of flashbacks was blocking my mind, I seriously wish that he’s the one whom I can lean on in times of need. I don’t know if I care just because he’s so figuratively mature, from what I know and heard from or simply because I’m so desperate having someone to hear me. No, it’s not love. But what is it?

Whatever, its ok and I’ll be fine.

2010-06-10T02:05:00.000-07:00

最近提到他就会觉的莫名的心痛, 很不舒服. 关心和反感就差在一线之间. 我对与他并没抱着任何的要求,只希望他会尊敬那界限. 时间教导我学会睁一只眼,闭一只眼来看待很多事情. 就算自己再明理, 知道那是他的选择, 总觉的是自己的错. 我有点累, 怕了. 我能逼自己不在乎吗?

8th June 2010

2010-06-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

They say love is like a gift from satan because once you open it, disaster awaits ahead. Gift itself is not the problem; it’s the intention of the receiver that matters. I just don’t get it when the kids can simply proclaim their so called love to a girl and turn around flirting with some others at the same time. Keeping the spare part, I suppose?

Everyone loves to make friends but not much is bothered to keep the relationship going, nor keep it clean. I learnt it the hard way so I can’t expect everyone else to 100% keep their sanity when the so called lust/love/interest struck their heart but to be at least, I believe you have your brain with you?

Over the years, I realized that I can’t simply ask for listening ears when I can’t handle the heat on climax point. It’s not because I don’t have trust on anyone but I guess different people has its own interpretation towards a thing and the more they know, the harder it gets, the more complicated it is. Words will be passed around and confusion arouses, struggles come along and finally, conflicts strike it. It’s a norm, isn’t it?

The best way is to digest it from all sources, swallow it, pray for wisdom, flow through the current and see how things go. Sometimes it’s easier this way, the unnecessary dilemmas will be eliminated and you’ll get clearer to the real root problem. Too bad it takes time….and patience. Yet the result is pretty fruitful. You’ll skip the crying and shouting scenes for sure.

My world is basically surrounded by simple human with self made up complication, used to be the bad tempered darling who just want to sort things out the fastest way without caring about anything and what happened, she hated her weird going down life. She didn’t start off convincing herself about being positive; rather, she tried to stand higher than anyone possible, calculating the worst investment in life. You know what happened, she saw a nice clear river with some fish swimming in it. Yupe, keeping it clean and cool. That’s the idea.

I’ve been telling myself that if I want to change and really desperate for something, I need to learn to sacrifice, to choose between two. Frankly speaking, a right decision equals to zero losses. People, people, love comes from God ok. Aikz, few more hours and I can get away frm 8^th June 2010!!!!

Tinagat Outing

2010-06-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

Went to Tinagat for the Chinese youth leaders retreat on Friday, was not anticipating it for reasons but I did pray that everything will turn out well by the end of the retreat. The trip started off with Kathy and mum quarreling and it turned out bad, was hoping that I can just stay at home and sleep all day long without hearing the noises. Jess was so pissed and agreed…but out of obligation, she called dad home to send us over to church because we’re really late. Like it or not, I rode along.

It took us over 15 minutes to reach our destination I think, we stopped by to buy some junk foods and some other stuff along the way. I had fun chit chatting with the girls, teasing Jackson and laughing all the way. Ice breaker was short, simple but pretty fun. Praise and worship was ok as well, congratz to Zerwin for the leading. Then we have this short drama presentation, Jackson can’t really get the point and so we drafted a very simple plot 2 assist him, guess it wasn’t easy for him since it’s the first time for him to do the leading. Good for us, we get to watch. Everyone else seems to enjoy and some groups were hilarious. It was the first time for Kathy to lead as well; she prepared quite enough and seems to enjoy it. Here's sum photos.

wandering around?

Games

foods

My favorite part is barbeque-ing. I didn’t get my breakfast though I woke up early, around 3 or 4 I think. I can’t sleep well thinking of some stuff so crawled out of bed and start checking my café world and Farmville. Met Nel along the net surfing and we chatted instead. Darn that kid, always the same. Guess he’s not Nel if he’s not who he is. Never mind, I’m used to it. Had some fun too, kinda motivated to have someone to talk to, it doesn’t feel so sad/bored. To me, he’s always a very good friend though we argue a lot, lols. Our msn default pic caught my attention, typical so Jenn and so Nel.

Back to the topic, Siew Yun asked us to share about what it feels like to serve and gently reminded us about the importance of having devotion, bible reading and praying. Yet, it always feels like everybody has something to keep to themselves, figure that out. So it didn’t take a long time. My deepest regret is not being able to get into the water or playing in the mud like we always did. I even prepared a set of clothing with my undergarments for sake! Went back home early that day cuz the rain’s dropping. That marks the ending.

Kisses <3

Us three ^^

Cousin and bro

caught a dead jellyfish

Thank God :)

2010-06-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

Louis’ right, everything’s just a little obstacle for me so that I can be tougher. I shouldn’t let my negativities be the obvious stumbling block for me to do what I want and need to do. Thank God that I’m granted the chance to share in youth alpha, it opened up another chance for me to set apart time to listen to what God has to say and experience the peace before I preach. It may be just another simple sharing but I feel grateful to be able to start from a humble beginning in knowing Him more. I guess it just makes my life sounded more fun and challenging. I feel alive and needed.

I just realized that I have so many unattended stuffs to be worried and it’s blocking my thoughts, I need my diary and pen. One last month to go and decision making is around the corner. I just want to pray hard that I’ll get a positive posting to the Public University and wouldn’t have to consider going to any private University. I’m turning 20, its time for me to take my own lead and try not to place more burdens on my parents. Jenn, you can do it!!

Another day

2010-06-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Update: Went to a friend’s wedding ceremony conducted by Calvary Church yesterday, dragged along Jess and Jas to accompany me. It was pretty fine, much different from those of St Patrick. Luckily we met Sheau Fun and her daughters. Jas and I suddenly talked about life after marriage and opinions related to it, it was random but opened up our perspective towards the kind of life we want to have if we “happen” to meet the right guy and get married one day. We talked about the future problems/possibilities that might happen with our future in-laws after witnessing so many family conflicts around us. Blahs, maybe I’ll blog about this topic some other day cuz It’s almost 11 and I need to sleep. Nite!

Happy Blessed 15^th Birthday Sis, luv you so much!!!

-.-/ :)

2010-05-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

I hate it when everybody gets the blame after a tiny mistake done by one person. I hate it when someone exaggerates a problem and make it sounded as if everyone else’s is responsible for all the pains. I hate it when someone puts the blame on others just to lessen the anger felt when it’s totally not related in any case. I hate it when things are not getting better after so long and I had to fight for peace. I hate it when everything that I’ve done never seems to be right. I hate it when I have to cry. I hate it when there’s no progression in that particular thing that I’ve wished for ages. I hate it when I have to bear it with shame. Life can be nothing more than this hatred. That’s what I thought. Guess it will ~~always/never~~ be.

Fairy tales are ridiculous stories for kids; it does nothing good than covering the fact that life is harsh, brutal and cruel. Trust me, I’m optimistic enough to not curse anyone for not preparing me to face this storm, I learned it the hard way. I get the feeling of sarcasm. That naïve girl who used to be hiding in the corner and only comes out when those that she trusted are around has gone, since long ago. She was taught to be neutral in every decision making, loud in affirming authorities, choose between friends, to not regret any decision, ignorant to pain, sarcastic for the better.

I love my life; it is what makes me who I am. I don’t have to be ignorant to the negativities I felt inside just because I’m a cell leader. I ain’t a superwoman, I’m only a weak human who fights life to survive. People out there should know that Christian fought hard in following the Lord’s word, maintaining the testimony that we bear, trying to love others though we don’t feel “lovey dovey” all the time, make mistakes, sometimes judgmental, struggled. I’m not giving excuses to whatever impression that others may perceive but just because we don’t normally explain doesn’t mean that we don’t know, we just hope you to understand by getting to know us. That’s transparency.

They say the more you hoped, the more you will feel depressed once you don’t get it. Guess what, I’m going to ask for more in this life. As long as eyes can see, or lungs can breathe, so long will I run, in achieving life’s goals. Once stopped, I’m dead. Catch me if you can but better yet, run with me. I need companions. This journey’s heading nowhere if I can’t see anything around. Darn it, I’m 19 and a half but am starting to preach about life’s goals. Problem now is, where should I start? What am I going to do as preparation?? Dang, blah again -.-

Understanding ego

2010-05-29T05:28:00.001-07:00

It often happens when you mistaken yourself for whom you really are at times. Object-referral pulls us out of the true identity into false identity. It creates an ego identity from all the events and circumstances of your past, starting the day that you were born. It is like a millionaire walking down a street as a beggar because he’s forgotten that he has untold wealth in the bank.

A moment of flattery creates happiness, a sarcastic moment, and we are wounded. After the pleasure of ego goes away, we’ll be eventually eroded with gnawing fear and doubts. Chances are, we will easily fall back upon our own ego and get addicted to approval, control, security and power. It’s frankly, very fragile as there’s a connection to the trauma of feeling afraid and lost. So basically, the central theme of ego is insecurity.

The act of fighting against ego is a trap itself. One must know that the ultimate way of dealing it, is finding the right path from the wrong path that ego has set initially. True being achieves everything ego wants, peace, fulfillment, joy, a sense of complete security- because all these qualities reside in being. So seriously, you don’t have to struggle to find them. What makes it struggling is when the ego in us becomes depressed when it can’t get what it wants, there, it feels like a failure. What we need to do is to raise awareness towards our own needs and desires, let healing take place, take time to know our inner feelings better, never let ego shapes your sense of self faking image of distraction. Some had to master it the hard way. Everything your true self stands for is independent of the image of the ego has so carefully assembled to feel good about itself.

Abundance is real. Lack is an illusion

Being good is real. Trying to be good is an illusion

Surrender is real. Holding on is an illusion.

This moment is real. The past is an illusion.

You are real. What you think you are is an illusion.

-Deepak Chopra (author of Ageless body, Timeless Mind)

Some say illusion creates vision and vision is the motivation but there’s a need for us to differentiate clearly between reality and illusion. What is not reality face every risk of changes in illusion. To me, life is simple but how we choose to run it may be complicated. Get rid of stress and you’ll be able to think clearly. Set the right goals, place the right priority, put it aside and have fun when I need one.

I guess I was kind of distracted with other’s emotional feelings these days that I won’t stop wondering about what others are thinking about. I grew tired, bored and so I decided that I should just be myself, that girl that runs with her intuition and flexibility. So, if you happened to stumbled upon a block, don’t know whether to avoid or kick it away, you may want to try to jump over it.

I’m trying to remind myself to recognize the ego in me as I clearly see in others. That way, I wont sidetracked and get busted.

Wee-hee

2010-05-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was kind of a mess. I woke up around 8 something thinking that its holiday and I’m free to sleep through the day, until Grandma asked me to drive her to the market. Since I have no reason to reject, Rickson and Karren came along. There you go: me as the driver of the day. I don’t remember the last time we actually had fun hanging out with grandma but I seriously enjoyed the time with her yesterday. It feels simple, quiet and warmth. I wished grandpa is around and I get to drive him around. I miss him. At least there is one single thing that I can do better than him, I drive J weehee, I’ve never seen him drive since I was young, heard that it’s because of a huge accident.

Came home late and we had lunch outside, oh yea, forgotten to bring out my phone as well. Didn’t know there are a lot of people who missed me that day. Felt really tired so dozed off again until 5pm and dang, I just remembered that I have Dinner for the Teacher’s Celebration. Frankly, I’m not so into it thinking that we’re there by obligation and I’m happen to be the youngest teacher of all. At least my unpaid leave for next week is approved so with that tiny encouragement, I showered and set off.

It wasn’t so hard to find the house since it’s the biggest house of all. Food was fine, people were nice, gifts are pretty simple, but the place is way too hot. Lucky I didn’t put on long sleeve that night, else I’ll be showering with sweats. Oh the karaoke part was speechless, it’s the first time for me to listen to so many Chinese oldies in one go. Sylvia was in fact murmuring: “Jenn, I’m so stressed listening to the songs”

Seriously, I have no discrimination towards the artistic value of appreciating the old songs since our younger generation would also feel the same way if we sing Jay Chou’s song 50 years later but the whole atmosphere doesn’t sound so much like a teacher’s day appreciation, if you get what I mean. No complains baby, just an opinion.

I’m picking up the moods of blogging, probably after some comments of hearing people saying that I’m “emo” for the past few months in which I only partially agree. Come on, I was just too busy adapting the school life and having fun with the kids. I needed some time of silence as well since I’m shrinking back. Other than that, I’m perfectly fine. I’m not that gratis to be “emo” all day long.

I’m leveling up in Café world and currently having fun with my Hospital City. Dang, see how “boredness” has taken its toll on me. And yea, I love my current profile pic on Facebook. Here's the screenshot ^^